


Never say never

by Jinxgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-28 23:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2751497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxgirl/pseuds/Jinxgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Christmas after Sunnydale's demise, Faith and Buffy reminisce past Christmases, and perhaps make way for future ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never say never

Author notes: This takes place during the first Christmas post Chosen. As most assume, a Slayer headquarters has been formed in which the gang finds and trains and often boards new Slayers, with Buffy and Faith as head Slayers.

This is dedicated to Lupo for all the encouragement and inspiration over the years and for being my best friend. May your own Christmas bring you many surprises.

The first thing Buffy noticed as she eased her bedroom door open, slipping out into the empty hallway, was that the Slayer Headquarters was quiet, silent, really, so much so that it was almost unsettling. True quiet was extremely rare in the building she and her friends now called home as well as work, even as late as it currently was- when Buffy had looked at her digital clock last, it had been after 2 am. Generally, with so many people living under one roof, and a large percentage of them being girls under the age of eighteen, silence was so unusual as to be almost unknown.

On most evenings, or extremely early mornings, as it technically was in the moment, at any given time girls could be heard talking and laughing, or more often, arguing and shouting. There were usually people teaching classes or sparring, people in the workout rooms or hanging around the living areas, TV, video games, or music turned up high enough that Giles studiously avoided walking past them without a reason to need to be in those general areas. The man had said more than once, or rather, muttered under his breath while cleaning his glasses, that if they ever had enough extra money to do so, he would use it to soundproof each and every room in the entire building, if only to give himself a merry Christmas. Even if it wasn't what one could call noisy, there were usually people still hanging around awake very late, whether they be night owls, insomniacs, or recently returned from patrols and unable to wind down enough to sleep.

But today was an exception to the rule, because today had been the first Christmas of the Slayer Headquarters since it had been founded five months ago. Most of the junior Slayers and even a good many of the people on staff had gone home to be with their families for the holidays, which already cut considerably into the noise and activity levels. And today had been a long, hectic day- a fun day, to be sure, one of the most enjoyable Buffy had had in some time, but it had also been tiring, and it seemed that for once, everyone was deeply asleep at once, and would likely stay that way for quite some time.

Except for Buffy, of course.

She wasn't often insomniac, but today, when she had lay down in her bed some hour or two ago, she had simply been unable to relax enough to free her thoughts and drift to sleep. Every time  
she tried to think of the things you were supposed to while trying to sleep, like counting sheep or deep breathing, she would get distracted by trying to make her sheep all slightly individual from each other in her mind, or wondering why sheep, why not pigs or horses or dogs or cats, and whether or not Willow would know the answer to that, and weren't sheep too short to jump over fences anyway?

Then her mind would leave the subject at hand entirely as she began to remember the chaos of their Christmas, the way Dawn had pounced on her in the morning like she was six again, beaming with excitement but also devilish glee as she shook her awake. Or she would think of the eagerness in Xander's face as he moved in closer to her, wanting to see her face as she opened his gift to her, or the way Willow and Kennedy had kissed for the seven thousandth time beneath the mistletoe, as Giles removed his glasses yet again, or how he had stood back, quieter than the others, but content, almost proud, as though looking at his own children. Even Faith had joined them, slouching cross-legged at the foot of the Christmas tree with her eyes hooded, sleepy at first, but it hadn't taken long before she gave a smile that was first uncertain, but then genuine, as though she too were enjoying herself.

They had played silly games and eaten entirely too many cookies and too much ham, and though it had not been snowing outside, Willow soon fixed that by creating a small flurry in the halls. Snowball fights in close quarters had then occurred, and they had all ended up with red faces and soaked hair and clothing, breathless with laughter. All in all, Buffy couldn't have asked for a nicer day, but even so, there had been moments tinged with sadness, as she believed every Christmas would be from now on. It was the third Christmas without Joyce Summers, the second without Tara, and the first without Anya, and for each of those who loved them most, there had been times throughout the day where they sobered, considering this.

She found herself thinking of this as she padded her way towards the kitchen area, absently noticing the garland, holly, and mistletoe trimming every conceivable place that Dawn and many of the junior Slayers had enthusiastically taken responsibility for decorating, the bells hooked over doorways, the flashing multi-colored lights blinking around every corner. She didn't know what percentage of the budget Giles had allotted for them to use towards being "festive," but she suspected they had soared over it with a ten foot pole. Oh well, if they hadn't used money towards that, it might have gone to something sensible like books or toothpaste or something, and bright lights and bows was definitely more interesting.

As Buffy stepped through the entranceway to the kitchen area, she was somewhat surprised to see Faith sitting on a barstool facing one of the long counters, clad in what looked like men's boxers and a tank top. She had a paper Christmas tree plate before her with what looked like ham and mashed potatoes on it, and as Buffy drew slightly closer, she looked up, shaking her long dark hair back behind her shoulders as she lifted one hand, which had a chunk of ham speared with her fork, in greeting.

"Hey B…missed the memo? Santa's come and gone, no use trying to catch him in the act."

"He always just escapes me," Buffy agreed wryly, before raking her eyes pointedly over Faith's attire, leaning a hip and elbow against the end of the counter where she was sitting. "Missed the memo about it being December? Generally we wear clothing at that time which will help protect us against the possibility of frostbite."

"From what snow, Willow's magical melt-away?" Faith asked, then waved the same hand, its fork now ham-free, in the direction of Buffy's own clothing as she let her lips curve into a smirk. "Not all of us can still fit into our flannel penguin pjs and fuzzy sparkly slippers from the second grade."

Looking down at herself quickly, a little flustered, Buffy defended, "I just got these for Christmas!"

"From Toys R Us?" was Faith's entirely too innocent reply, its tone ruined by her snicker soon after, and Buffy crossed her arms, attempting to both glare and come up with a suitable retort.

"Yeah, well…at least I don't wake up in the middle of the night to eat ham…which, which is from a pig…like a pig!"

"Oh, slayed to the core," Faith put a hand over her chest dramatically, letting her eyes rolled up, then took a larger bite than usual as though to prove a point, though what that point might be, Buffy didn't know. "What's the appropriate Buffy-approved late night snack, then, cookies and milk or something? Ain't much for that anymore."

"Why, too wholesome or something?" Buffy tried again to retort, but Faith just shrugged, her face suddenly and strangely neutral, as was her tone as she replied.

"Yeah, something like that. So…you gonna stand around and banter back and forth like usual, or you gonna sit? I'm not gonna bite…wasn't planning on it, anyway."

"The ham might disagree," Buffy couldn't resist adding as she circled around to the barstools, and Faith smiled.

"Yeah, well, it's probably way tastier than you."

Buffy rolled her eyes, but smiled regardless as she slid onto the barstool beside Faith, resting her forearms on the countertop. They were just close enough to have to touch if one of them swiveled her stool suddenly, but they were not touching, a definite and carefully kept space between them now, as there generally was between them. For several moments as Faith finished up her leftovers they fell into a silence that was slightly awkward, as though neither could think of what next to say if there were no jesting comments being tossed back and forth, and yet it was a quiet that was almost companionable as well.

Buffy realized then with mild surprise at the thought that she and Faith had only rarely been alone together in the past several months since the Headquarters had been established- no, actually, since the destruction of Sunnydale. Between all the others inhabiting the place, it was hard enough to get time to yourself at times, let alone to find yourself alone with only one other without making a specific effort for it to occur. Maybe it was for this reason, their lack of alone time together, that there had been no serious fights between them since Sunnydale either. At least, not the kind where they attempted to kill each other. They still weren't exactly what Buffy would call friends, or at least, not close friends, but they weren't unfriendly either, usually…and why did it seem that every thought that came to her mind about Faith and their interactions with each other had to have a qualifier like "usually" or "sort of" or "at least?"

One thing that Buffy could be definite about, though, was there was trust between them now. There had to be, with the two of them working together closely with the junior Slayers so frequently. As Head Slayers of the Slayer Headquarters, their job was to train and prepare for action the new Slayers that Giles was able to recruit their way. A division in trust between them could be very damaging in their interactions with the younger Slayers and in how they were able to teach them, and so though they never spoke of it aloud, Buffy knew there must be trust present between them.

Still, even with this new and still developing trust, there was a tendency to be guarded as well, and probably always would be to some extent, or so Buffy thought to be probably true. As she was thinking through these things, she had almost forgotten that Faith was still beside her, and when the other woman spoke, she startled, eyes widening briefly.

"This how it usually goes? Christmas?"

"What?" Buffy turned her head towards her, brow furrowing slightly, and Faith repeated herself with a shoulder shrug.

"You know. Rah rah, glitzy love fest, peace on earth good will to man, you and all the rest of the gang."

It took Buffy a moment to decide she got the gist of what Faith meant. She gave her own version of Faith's shrug, considering.

"Sort of, I guess. Not so much the past few years."

"No? Why not?" Faith turned her head towards her as well, raising an eyebrow almost skeptically, as though she couldn't imagine that Buffy wouldn't have a "glitzy love fest" if given an excuse to do so.

Without quite meaning to, Buffy exhaled, then turned one hand over, palm up, her voice softening as she explained in not quite a complete sentence. It was something she hadn't really talked about today, even with Dawn or Willow. Somehow, she hadn't predicted that it would be Faith she would speak the words aloud to, but then, why would she?

"Tara…Anya…Mom…"

"Oh…right," Faith's expression shifted, a faint frown crossing her face, and she nodded slowly, leaning one elbow on the counter and shoving her plate out of her way. She appeared to be thinking, perhaps of what to say, before she asked, "I guess that's hard."

"Kind of," Buffy nodded. "It's not as bad now as it was…this year was the biggest with the glitz fest in a while."

Even as she spoke she was almost marveling that this conversation was being had at all, with Faith, of all people…and at two am on Christmas day-after? It was strange to her, almost surreal, but…nice, too. And that was strange too, that this conversation was sort of nice.

Maybe it would be best to stop thinking about the conversation in the middle of having it and just…well, have it.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2  
Faith was still leaning her elbow on the counter, resting her cheek against her fist absent-mindedly, as though she were thinking, or perhaps simply feeling awkward and wanting to avoid looking at Buffy head on. She kicked her leg in and out slightly, her bare foot making a soft knocking noise against the counter, and then smiled suddenly, turning her head to face her again.

"You remember that one Christmas I went to your house? When we were kids in Sunny-D?"

Buffy nodded, somewhat cautiously, unsure of where Faith was going with this. Their past together, even the more innocuous moments like the one that Faith had just brought up, was something they had by some unspoken agreement long ago decided simply not to mention around each other, as though by leaving it unspoken, it were almost forgotten as well. Yet here Faith was, not only speaking but smiling, if faintly, as though the memory were something she enjoyed, rather than a reminder of a darker time between them.

Did Faith have memories from Sunnydale that she didn't feel bitterness or guilt towards, or want to forget or somehow use to tease Buffy with? The thought was one that had never occurred to Buffy, and she wondered, as she waited for Faith to elaborate, whether this could have changed. How did Faith think or feel about everything that went down in Sunnydale now?

She was curious, for the first time, but she wasn't about to ask.

"Yeah, I totally lied," Faith said, with a small smirk and roll of her eyes, but this appeared to be directed more at herself than at Buffy as she stretched her arms in front of her on the counter, using the counter to brace herself as though she were trying to pop or crack a few joints as she did so. "There wasn't any party for me to go to. Well, there was, probably, but if I'd gone I would've been crashing it."

That hadn't been exactly what Buffy expected out of her, especially since she had pretty much figured that one out the moment the words left Faith's mouth four years ago. She raised an eyebrow back at her, her lips curving wryly as she nodded.

"Yeah, I kinda guessed as much." She paused, then tentatively added, "I was glad you came."

She had said so at the time, but it somehow seemed different to say it now, and to realize she still meant it, even after all the years and all that had happened so soon after that one day, that one Christmas. Even though she had initially had to be guilt-tripped into asking Faith, even though she had really not spent very much time with her, even though she had since then hated and resented and felt reluctantly guilty in regards to her for the majority of the years until only recently…even so, she had never, she realized, regretted that Faith had come that night. Somehow, it wouldn't have been the same evening if she had been prideful enough to stay away.

There was no way she could put THAT into words though, so she left it at that, but it seemed to be enough. And Faith seemed to accept it, where she once might have fought and denied and argued against it, whether this would have been because she simply liked to be a troublemaker, or because she couldn't believe it herself.

"Yeah, me too," was what she said in response to Buffy instead, her voice soft, and she continued to kick one leg slowly beneath the counter, her toes gently knocking against its underside. Dimples briefly flickered into view as she smiled slightly, seeming to be still thinking, still remembering, her gaze slightly absent, as though she could see it all in her mind. And as Buffy watched her with some interest, hiding a yawn behind her hand, she wondered if that was the case. She never would have figured Faith to be one for nostalgia, if that was what this was.

"Your mom doing her hostess thing…Dawn hanging around tugging on my arm and wanting to drag me around to like, every decorated inch of your house to point out every little candy cane and holly berry….I guess you guys always went all out on that kind of thing. The tree and eggnog and wreaths and whole nine yards, right? Meals and cheesy movies and all?"

She didn't wait for Buffy to nod before going on, snickering slightly. "And everyone getting in a tizzy over the snow…in Boston it was just like an everyday fact of December, back in Sunny-D it was a miracle sent by the Christmas Miracle Elves or something. It was like one of those lame, overly cheery TV show specials…well, except for the part about the suicidal vampire."

"It's mostly the part about the suicidal vampire I remember," Buffy muttered, but she too was smiling, thinking back. She expected Faith to start cracking jokes on Angel or Buffy or both of them then, sliding safely back into familiar territory, a ground that had been thoroughly covered before with them and would be easier to tread on than this new, not quite sure mood now between them. She expected Faith to abruptly stand and announce she was heading out or going to bed, anything to break this strange little trip down memory lane that had yet to end in bitterness.

But Faith didn't stand, and she didn't plaster back the usual wall still remaining firmly, if transparently, between them. She just shrugged again, drumming her fingers lightly on the countertop.

"Well, you missed out then…it was nice. I thought about it later, sometimes."

"You did?" Buffy couldn't stop herself from blurting out in surprise, turning to face her more fully in her chair and almost knocking her knee into Faith's before she quickly pulled the stool back a little. "When? In-"

She stopped herself before the words "prison" left her mouth, because this was another topic between them that was generally left unspoken. But Faith picked up her meaning and just nodded, briefly meeting her eyes.

"Yeah, in prison, sometimes. We got socks and things like that on Christmas, or whatever they said was all right. Letters…visitors. Angel did that for me. Well, the last year he was kinda tied up so he forgot or whatever, but he usually did. Christmas special or not, kinda preferred yours," she said casually, and Buffy digested this information, thinking of Angel standing awkwardly before the prison phone box as Faith opened whatever socks and underwear he might have sent her, half horrified, half amused by this mental imagery. She almost missed what Faith was adding in this brief daydream.

"I mean it was the last one I'd had since my Watcher, up until this year, so it was kind of like the last one I had to go by for reference for a while."

Buffy's head snapped up at this, because as casually as Faith was saying it, the mention of her Watcher, Buffy, at least, was interpreting as a big deal. She had heard Faith mention her Watcher truthfully exactly once in all the time she knew her, and that had been to describe her murder. She had never asked Giles for information about her, out of discomfort of having to know exactly what had happened to her, exactly what Faith had experienced in witnessing her death. So to hear Faith bring her up willingly now, in connection with something like Christmas, she was unsure of what to say, or what Faith wanted her to say, what reaction she was expecting or hoping for.

"Really?" was the safest response she could come up with on the fly, and Faith nodded, tracing a crack on the countertop. Her voice was still conversational as she replied, but the fact that she didn't meet Buffy's eyes said volumes.

"Yeah, year I was with her, she did the whole Christmas thing for me, trees and gifts and carols and hot chocolate and all the rest. It was kind of…I kinda liked it. Didn't tell her that, but…" Faith shrugged, still picking at the cracks on the countertop as she let that thought trail off, and half started but didn't complete a new one. "Kinda never really went all out with the Christmas thing before that year."

Because…her mother hadn't done Christmas? Because her mother had done sucky Christmases? Because they were too poor, or because her mother didn't care or forgot, or because her mother was too mean? Even now, Buffy knew very little about Faith's life before she had met her, and had asked her still less. What she had been able to piece together from her few comments told her only that however Faith's life had been, she had not had it easy. None of them had, but Faith's "not easy" seemed to be on an entirely different playing field.

But it seemed that this one comment, at least for tonight, had been more than enough to say aloud in Faith's mind, because she laughed suddenly then, a short, almost forced sound, as she turned to fully face Buffy again, rolling her eyes.

"Remember those dumb lights I put up in my room? Back in Sunnydale?" She rolled her eyes again. "Looked like shit once I saw the ones covering like every inch of your place. Don't know why I bothered."

It was a strange change of subject, but one that was definitely more familiar to them both- light in tone, mocking, and this was in fact almost a peace offering of Faith's, an attempt to ease back into their usual interactions again. By poking fun at herself, it was as if she were inviting Buffy to do so as well, to go back to their normal bantering. But although part of Buffy recognized this, she couldn't quite bring herself to do it, not yet, for she, if not Faith, were still thinking, wondering what Faith had been thinking before the subject change…remembering.

"I liked them," she says in mild defense of the mentioned lights, and Faith raised an eyebrow, even waving off her remark with one hand.

"Liked them? Try pitied them," she said with her lips twitching into a smirk, and Buffy's eyes widened, unsure of how to respond to this. Whenever Faith stated a truth about herself or her thoughts that was uncomfortable for her to admit to- something that occurred more often than she wanted by far- she never knew how to respond beyond a blatant denial.

"Well-" she started, a hint of defensiveness and denial in her tone even before she could get out a full sentence, but Faith wouldn't let her get far into her reworking of the situation with her words.

"Come on, B, let's be real here. It's alright, you pitied ME, so what's a string of lights to you?"

Buffy looked away, shifting herself uneasily on her stool and swinging it lightly from side to side. This didn't decrease her awkwardness at all, because as a result she knocked her knee into Faith's. Though Buffy jerked back, Faith didn't acknowledge the brief physical contact in any way, instead continuing to regard Buffy with raised eyebrows, almost smiling. She was sure, from the nearly anticipant way that Faith watched her, that the woman enjoyed getting off on making Buffy feel like this.

"I didn't," she started to say, but both knew even as she spoke the words that it wasn't true, and her tone was far from convincing. What was it about Faith that made her want to hear her say these things out loud, anyway? How could she possibly be enjoying that?

Once, Faith might have pushed her into saying something like this to provoke her own anger, as if needing a legitimate excuse to fight or attack her. The thought, unlikely as it was now, was still faintly in the back of Buffy's mind, but if Faith was angry or hurt, she was hiding it well. If anything, she just appeared to be continually amused and entertained by Buffy's responses, as though all of this were a game to her in some way.

"Yeah you did," she said easily, shrugging and tossing her hair back from her face, continuing to kick one leg in and out slightly beneath the counter. "You thought I was a poor, dumb loser who couldn't do anything right. S'ok, you were pretty much right anyway. See, you aren't denying it, are you?" she said even as Buffy opened her mouth, then closed it, again unsure of how to deny the remark without it being clearly insincere. "It's alright, B, I thought you were a spoiled, self-righteous princess who was about as insightful to other people as a tick, so we're even, right?"

That comment, though, was enough to hammer through any of Buffy's remaining discomfort as she bolted rigidly upright on her stool, accidentally swinging her legs into Faith's again, hard enough for Faith to flinch slightly as Buffy now looked her directly in the eye with indignation.

"I was not!" she blurted, and for a moment, it was as though she were again her teenage self, looking back at a teenage Faith- a feeling that was enhanced when Faith grinned, dimples popping up in her cheeks, and mischievously began to imitate the teenaged Buffy in a voice much higher and whinier than Buffy could remember her own having been.

"Mom, Faith's eating my French fries! Mom, all my friends are looking at Faith and not me! Mom, Faith is talking to guys that I'm not dating but I knew them first!"

"Well, you did," Buffy muttered, but she couldn't keep back the small smile trying to emerge in response to Faith's melodramatic performance, which was currently including limp-handed gestures and wide-eyed pouting.

"Hey, never denied it," Faith laughed in her own normal voice. "Your mom can cook, your friends got eyes- well, Xander's just got the one now, but other than that- and other guys had eyes too."

"We could have added a few things to that list…like "Mom, Faith stole weapons," or "Mom, Faith got me arrested," or "Mom, Faith stole my body," or "Mom, Faith slept with my boyfriend," or "Mom, Faith kil-" Buffy started, her tone difficult to determine whether she was attempting to be playful or was very serious and growing angry. Faith cut her off before she could get too into adding the new charges, however, and her own tone was more serious then, though not apologetic.

"Okay, so a few more charges could be added to that…but I wasn't trying to go down Memory Accusation Lane. Not that one, anyway…just, you know. That day, that Christmas? It was kind of nice, is all. Kind of would have been nice if we'd had more like that. That's all."

Buffy opened her mouth, then, seeing Faith's expression, closed it, taking in a breath before she slowly nodded in agreement. She was surprised to realize that when she thought about it, her agreement was genuine. "Yeah…it would have."

But Faith at times could be annoyingly observant. Not in the times that Buffy thought she logically should be, like when failed to notice she had put a totally empty milk carton in the fridge three times in a row, but at times like this, when Buffy rather preferred she be distracted and oblivious. And obviously this time she had noticed that Buffy had been about to say something, since that was exactly what she had to comment on.

"What? You gonna say I made my choices, blah blah blah, could have had it if I'd been a good little girl or something along those lines?" she shrugged, but her voice was neither resentful, angry, nor sorrowful when she went on, simply matter-of-fact. "I know. And I've said enough sorries by now to know they'll never really be enough to make it right. Better, maybe, like how I get along with people or whatever, but not right or okay, what I did. But…you're still wrong too. I still couldn't have had that, any of it, even if I was the model Slayer or whatever."

"What?" Buffy frowned, wary. It seemed that despite Faith's claim of not wanting to get into accusations from the past, she was heading straight for that, and right now, Buffy was just not in the mood or mindset to go there. "Why would you say that, Faith? Sure you would have."

"Nah, I wouldn't have," Faith shook her head, calm and confident of her words rather than emotional or accusatory. She lifted one hand palm up, then ran it through her hair absently as she tried to explain. "I didn't fit, never did. Even that one nice night. Probably not really your fault, or anyone else's…just how it was. So even if I'd stuck around….it would have still been like that."

A silence stretched between them then as Buffy looked down at the countertop, almost memorizing its cracks and speckled marks as she thought, really thought, however reluctantly, about what Faith had stated. It seemed, though she didn't really want to accept it, that maybe she was right, at least partly, and a reluctant sympathy, mingled with guilt, rested around her heart. It had always been there, this feeling towards Faith of the past, but anger and impatience and her own feelings towards her own life had usually managed to deter her from acknowledging it or feeling it for long. It seemed that she should say something, but she could not imagine what.

"I know you….felt left out," she said finally, her words slow in coming. "Or…like…"

She let the sentence trail, and Faith took pity on her, picking it up without comment.

"Yeah, there was that," she nodded, and then, with a shrug and tone too casual for Buffy to at first process just exactly what she had said, she added, "That, and how I wanted to fuck you."

Chapter 3: Chapter 3  
If Buffy had been eating or drinking anything, whatever had been entering her mouth at that point would have undoubtedly ended up sprayed across Faith's face. As it was, she choked on her own saliva, sputtering and coughing and struggling with wide, almost bulging eyes to rework in her mind what she had just heard.

"You….you what?! You WHAT?!"

"Oh, come on, B, don't tell me it wasn't obvious," Faith chuckled, but there was no surprise in her tone or expression. If anything, she looked rather gleefully amused by her reaction, her dark eyes glinting, dimples deeply inverting her cheeks. "You ain't that dense, are you?"

Buffy was too flustered to respond to the "dense" comment like she normally would. In fact, she didn't even hear it. It was all she could do to form understandable words as her face, chest, and ears flushed and she sputtered, stunned.

"You…you wanted…NO! No, it wasn't obvi- you…you wanted-"

"Your hot little body, yeah," Faith helpfully supplied, unable to hold back another snicker, and when she nudged her knee deliberately against Buffy's leg now, Buffy jumped, immediately inching back and staring at Faith's leg as though it had managed to light all her nerves on fire. "And I wasn't the only one, case you didn't notice….it's the one place where I did fit in with the crowd, pretty much."

"You…" Buffy tried again, but then trailed off, losing steam as the implications of this continued to flood through her thoughts, and again Faith took over, almost laughing now.

"Seriously, you're that oblivious? You didn't connect the grunting, the comments, the dancing and touching, the hostility and violence every time you pissed me off? I called you twinkie, I asked you to prom, I wore a dress for you…I called you girlfriend! What did you want, a neon sign reading "I wouldn't say no to you sliding under my sheets and into my pants?" Faith snorted, shaking her head.

Hearing it all laid out like that, it did seem obvious…but then again, that had been pretty much the way Faith acted around everyone else. Minus the twinkie and the girlfriend part, anyway…hadn't it been?

"But…you did that all the time with me!" Buffy protested, and Faith rolled her eyes upward, almost disbelieving herself now.

"Paging Blondie, come in, Blondie…."

"So you're…gay?" Buffy tested the words out, trying but failing to keep the shock out of her tone and expression, the mental images of Faith plus gay out of her head. She knew her cheeks must still be red as she attempted to process this, to reconcile this with everything she had ever thought she had known about Faith…since number one Fact About Faith, in her own mind, had been that Faith was into guys. Very, very, very into guys.

"More like unclassified," Faith corrected, swallowing from the glass by her elbow and wiping the back of her mouth with her hand afterward. "It's the 2000s, B, not everything has to have a label. And as far as the girls go, you were really the only one that stuck. So yeah, no labels."

Buffy shook her head slightly, letting out a slow breath as these entirely new to her ideas continued to slowly tumble and click into place within her mind. All she could manage to say aloud as she struggled to gain control of her own thoughts, her own feelings on the matter, was "Wow…"

"Damn, Buffy, you got some serious denial going on or what?" Faith laughed aloud, and she poked Buffy's shoulder with one finger, inclining her head towards her and dropping her voice slightly. "Don't tell me you never felt something for me too."

"What?" Buffy's head jerked up, and just as her cheeks had begun to resume a normal coloring, they immediately flushed again. "Me? Why would you-"

"Yeah, you, and don't even try to deny it," Faith insisted. She pulled her legs up onto her stool so she was sitting cross-legged and leaned one elbow on the bar as she swiveled towards Buffy again, facing her without touching now as she continued to drive her point home. "You danced too, all you needed was a little nudge and you were rubbing on me just as much as I was rubbing on you. I saw the looks, I saw the blushes, and whatever you wanna pretend around your friends or now, I know you ain't that shy and sweet. Please, B, which of us screwed the dead guys, plural, you, or me? You had your own special little kinks too, you just didn't want to talk about 'em. Still don't, do you?"

"Yeah, well, privacy and private parts, there are two words in common there…and tell me I didn't just say that in front of you of all people, that was one door I just opened wide for you to walk through," Buffy muttered, as Faith grinned, finding even more opportunity for her own enjoyment in the teasing.

"By that wide open door, you talking about your legs or some other private part of your anatomy?"

Buffy socked Faith in the shoulder, without holding back even a little of her Slayer strength. Faith just laughed, her dark eyes glinting.

"No use with the denial, B. You might've been more subtle than me but I wasn't that dumb, I saw it even if you didn't even want to see it yourself. That was what was so friggin' frustrating, you know. I could practically see all the little thoughts you didn't even want to know you were having, and you never acted on them. Not really."

"There wasn't anything for me to act on, Faith," Buffy muttered, but the protest was weak now. Even as she looked at Faith she was remembering, her mind tumbling back in time five years before, seeing the younger, wilder Faith, the charisma of her gleaming eyes, her wicked smile. She was seeing herself at eighteen, remembering the attraction that Faith had represented to her, symbolically as much as anything.

Faith had seemed to be everything that Buffy wasn't, or wouldn't allow herself to be. Reckless and wild, carefree and fun, with no responsibilities, no expectations, no concern, no reputation….all about the fun, all about the power, all about the pleasure. It was something that had been sorely missing in Buffy's life, and seeing that she could have it, if she chose, that Faith seemed to have it…yes, it had been tempting for a time.

And even if she didn't want to admit it to Faith now, it hadn't helped matters that yes, Faith had been very attractive. Not that Buffy thought like that, or felt like that, or…had she?

As though reading her mind, Faith leaned slightly closer. "You telling me there was never a time after patrol where you looked at me, or touched me, and felt hot all over, like your whole body had just come alive? You telling me when you sparred with me or hit me or danced with me or ran with me, fast as your legs would go…you're telling me when you slayed with me, you never felt like exploding from the inside out, like there was nothing as big or strong or beautiful in the world as us? 'Cause B, if you didn't feel all that, you've gotta be dead."

She paused, then her serious tone lightened as she cracked a smile. "And the fact that you slept with the dead ain't speaking in your favor there either."

She was watching Buffy, seeming to be taking her forthcoming response seriously, or at least to be interested in hearing what she had to say. And Buffy couldn't bring herself to laugh or shrug it off or even hit her again…she was genuinely thinking, and as the reluctant answers crept into her mind, and she felt her ears burn, Faith's voice broke through again.

"Oh come on, Buffy. We're both big girls here. You totally did and we both know it…what's the big deal here? Half the girls running around this place are straddling some portion of the rainbow and then there's Andrew. Is it really that much of a shocker that maybe Straight and Narrow Buffy has one tiny bend somewhere in that ruler?"

There was an undercurrent of tension to her tone, as though she were beginning to grow frustrated…or was it hurt? And it was this second possibility that made Buffy look up at her and make herself give her a small, secretive smile, along with a shrug.

"Maybe. That's all you'll get on that…maybe, okay?"

And Faith's answering smile, quick in coming, told Buffy that her second estimate must have been fairly accurate, because in that smile was something like relief. Faith reached out and patted Buffy's head like she was a small child, or maybe a dog.

"See, was that so hard? It's natural, B, think about it. We're both supernaturally strong chicks with no equal, we were teenagers fighting for our lives every night, getting the adrenaline going, what else could you expect? Besides," she added almost as an afterthought, grinning, " I was totally hot. How could you help it?"

Buffy did shove her this time, and Faith laughed, Buffy joining her a few moments later. There was an ease between them now, as though a weight Buffy had not known even existed had been lifted, and she marveled at this, before grasping for a way to ask the question still lingering in her thoughts.

"So…do you still…" she started, but then let it trail, knowing that Faith would almost certainly be able to finish for her.

"Think you're hot?" Faith raised an eyebrow, and as Buffy blushed, but didn't correct her, she shrugged, answering bluntly, "Yeah, sure. Little skinny now, but that doesn't do away with the hot. Want to screw you? Sure, why not. Would I? Nope."

Buffy's eyes widened as the last two questions and responses, and even as she opened her mouth, Faith was already explaining, spinning her stool almost in a full circle as she did.

"Last part surprise you? Believe it or not, B, I can think things through once in a while, and I've had a lot of time. So I kind of came to a conclusion a while back. Well, maybe as recently as two weeks ago, but that was more like a recap decision instead of like, a discovery. See…I know you. And you're relationship girl. You don't do the one night stand thing…often, anyway, I heard a few things but we can skip past that. Everyone's gotta have a few of those or again, not alive. Anyway, so even your supposed one night stands kind of end up being relationships, look at Bleachboy to see an example of that. So if that's you…well, moment that could have happened for us? It kind of passed, if it ever existed at all."

She shrugged, facing Buffy now, and her tone was calm, simply factual in a manner that was almost as shocking to Buffy as the words themselves, as the obvious thought she had put into this…how long ago, and how often, exactly?

"So yeah. Moment gone, not much of a chance, so not point in bothering now. Plus…between the two of us and our relationship track records, and the way they kinda blow…if we about kill each other when we're enemies, what the hell would we do if we were screwing?"

It was a point that was pretty damn logical, and Buffy nodded slowly, saying the one word she could think of that felt safe. "Yeah."

"But once? Five years back?" Faith shrugged, her lips curving into a small, almost nostalgic smile. "Oh yeah. And who knows. Never say never."

She stretched her arms over her head, then stood, yawning, before beginning to pad her way barefoot towards the kitchen entrance. She gave Buffy a wave over her shoulder and called out as she walked, "Night B…guess you'll have some interesting dreams tonight, huh?"

"I guess so," Buffy replied, to herself more than to Faith, and as Faith walked away, she looked down at the countertop, her heart beating a little more quickly than usual, her breath just a little more uneven. She was still thinking too much, too fast, and everything in her mind in that moment pushed her to look up and call out to Faith, before she lost her nerve.

"Faith?"

Faith turned at the doorway, one hand on its frame, and raised an eyebrow. Buffy pushed herself back from the counter slowly and stood too, though she did not yet take any steps towards her.

"You didn't ask me," she said.

"Huh? Ask you what?" Faith asked, confused, and Buffy breathed in slowly through her nose, taking a moment to respond. But when she did, her voice was steady.

"If I do…if I would."

It took Faith several seconds to mentally think back and understand what Buffy was referring to, what she meant now, but when she did, she remained serious as she looked back at her, simply asking her what Buffy seemed to be wanting her to say aloud.

"Well…do you? Would you?"

Buffy walked forward slowly, one foot in front of the other, and as she drew closer to Faith she could see the tension in her face. The other woman almost seemed to be holding her breath.

When she was standing right in front of her, close, almost touching, her heart wildly galloping in her chest, Buffy swallowed, then lifted her chin, her own response soft, but firm. Sure.

"Maybe…never say never."

And then she reached out, her palm reaching out, cupping Faith's cool cheek in her hand. In one motion, she leaned forward and softly pressed her lips against Faith's own. The gesture was brief, gentle, not passionate…at least, not yet…and as Faith's eyes grew huge, and Buffy could hear her heart pounding even faster than her own in her chest, Buffy felt her lips curve into a genuine smile.

"Merry Christmas, Faith."

And she leaned in again, but this time, her lips were slightly parted.


End file.
